Tag Archives: Deep Thoughts

Modulating the Wave

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I’ve been away from here for a while. It happens. There’s probably some kind of wave pattern here, but I’m not going to find it. I have had a lot of feelings about so called “productivity” and what that means. I’ve been working hard at doing the things that I’m moved to do as I feel like doing them. Sometimes I practice niksen. Niksen is the Dutch art of doing nothing. Sounds silly, but it matters. Taking time and just letting my mind wander. Staring at the screen saver on the TV and just watching the fish swim. Breathing, closing my eyes and listening. Trying to get all the junk signals to quiet down and focus on the ones that matter.

I recall posting about this before, but I’m going to say it again in case there are folks that have missed it in the past. At one point I was reading a regular column from a local new source. This is someone holding the job of writer at an actual news source. Yes, writing the “local view” type columns, but still a pro. Then this writer filed an entire column that said, “I have nothing to say. Seriously, there was a deadline and I came up empty…”

I was furious. This person could have relinquished the weekly spot to somebody with something to say. Could have put in anything at all and it would have been better than “I got nothing”. I stopped reading that persons work (yes, still employed at that new source) and constantly question the managerial choice of keeping this person on board.

I will never do that here. IF I’ve got nothing to say, guess what? There won’t be a post here.

The biggest issue for me here is that I have things I want to say frequently but they tend to be time sensitive type things and by the time I get the chance to type something up it feels like the moment is past. So, for right now – I’m riding the wave. There maybe be a flurry of posts, there may be a gap. Perhaps I’m trying to change the wave pattern of my production by going to stare at some fish.

Productive

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This weekend was one of productivity. It was nice to be able to get back to a place where I felt good about time well spent. There were games with the family (I even won one!), story submissions made, contracts signed, galley proofs checked and plans set in motion for a new secret project.

Research was done, writing was done, new equipment was set up and hooked to the computer. Blog posts made, news feeds checked and household chores polished off with ease.

When I posted about the sad and numb feeling I had after giving in to a lost weekend and comparing it to an addiction, this is what I meant. I missed being relaxed and doing the things I enjoy. Spending time with the family is important. Games, relaxing and generally having a good time matters. Yes, we watched about twenty minutes worth of television. Having a form of entertainment like that around is not in and of itself a terrible thing. Giving in and doing nothing else is. We thoroughly enjoyed the new series of short cartoons from Pixar, then got take out from a local Korean restaurant. Was it perfect? No, of course not. Some of the plans I had for the weekend fell apart. I was prepared to do some filming for YouTube and that totally didn’t happen. No big deal. Changes happen. Things evolve.

Sound like a lot of stuff for a single weekend? That’s the point. I’ve maintained for a very long time that there are too many cool things to do in this world and not enough hours in the day to do them all. That’s a small part of why I always seem busy. I want to do… everything. Why wouldn’t you want to create or play or chat or whatever it is that you enjoy the most?

Coming soon – new work! The contract I signed is for a story that will be coming out in March. I’ll definitely let everyone know when it’s available for sale!

Addictive Behavior

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I had every intention of being very busy and productive over this past weekend. Some of what I planned on doing was being on here and getting more posts lined up. Clearly I failed at that. I was thinking about it and I genuinely believe it had everything to do with a level of addictive behavior from me.

I know there are folks out there that will think this is a pile of nonsense. I half agree honestly, but I want to put it out there because edging toward understanding is important.

I really think that I have addictive behavior and tendency when it comes to watching television. It’s a feeling I have. Don’t know how to explain it. I’m not generally an addictive personality but I AM a complete child of media. When you see those memes about GenX being that “lost” generation that were the first of the latch key kids? That’s me. Come home, let yourself in, lock the door and entertain yourself until we get home from work. It’s not good or bad – not trying to judge here, just giving context. It’s also when MTV started (among many other networks you may feel have “always” existed). I watched a lot of television, saw a lot of movies and this learned behavior has stuck with me ever since.

So what I’m saying is that, as stupid as it sounds, I really can’t break away from TV. I find myself floating back to it even when I *know* there’s not a damn thing worth watching. Then I get all depressed and disappointed when the stuff I watch is total shit. I know this probably sounds even sillier when you couple it with the facts that I was a Nielssen household member at one point AND I write a monthly piece for Watch The Skies called “You Should Be Watching” where I suggest fandom related content to go and check out.

This past weekend I estimate that I watched somewhere between 16 and 20 hours of TV. Maybe more. I lost track of all the stuff I streamed across YouTube. That’s way, way too much. I know this. I couldn’t help myself. I lost all productivity as I jumped from movies to football games to binge watching a cartoon series on Netflix (yes, both seasons of it). Football is really tough to sit through these days, but I did it. All four playoff games. Yes, some of it was likely to become history as very famous players end their careers, but it’s just a mess to watch. The ad time alone has stupid marketing stuff swirling in my head (OK – I’ll give the Tag Team ad props – it makes me laugh more than it should). I saw the new film “Outside the Wire” and it wasn’t bad… it wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad. I watched Bill and Ted Face the Music. I had really high hopes for it… and those really high hopes weren’t matched.

In the end I just came away sort of sad and numb with nothing to show for my time.

I am thankfully not addicted to other things in that way, but this is a small step toward understanding what folks struggling with addiction deal with. It’s not easy to deal with. It changes how I feel physically and emotionally. I’m going to work hard at shrugging this episode off and try to limit how much time I spend with the TV. Yes, I’m going to keep working the Should Be Watching stuff. No, I won’t take the TV out of the house (the only way I know to stop an addiction – take away the thing you’re addicted to and don’t have access). I am not the only person living here with a desire to be passively entertained from time to time… I just can’t let it be ALL the time. Thankfully this IS something that can be controlled.

IF you’re struggling with something, stick with the plan you have to be better. Keep working at staying away. There will be tough days, but don’t let those days beat you. Be strong.

Finishing

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It’s been a weekend of actually finishing things. I feel really good about the number of things I’ve accomplished. Thing about finishing all that other stuff was that I didn’t get much of anything accomplished here.

Found accomplishment clip art? Check.

I was finally able to finish the redecoration of our guest room (with one exception of work I don’t feel qualified to do). Back to reasonably comfortable in there.

Finished the edits for a story that will be published later this year or early next year. I’m excited for that to come out. It was a fun story to write.

Finished a contest entry and submitted it. I can’t post anything about it until after the contest is decided – I don’t think? I’m honestly not sure, but there’s a lot there to write up. I stretched outside my normal work routines and regular artistic endeavors to create a potion bottle prop. It did not live up to the vision in my head at all, but it is finished and in – and that’s a good feeling.

I finished reading a quick little book this weekend too – and I’m around 2/3 of the way through another. Good stories and even more “getting stuff done” vibe to add.

I just need to keep that vibe rolling through the week and get to updating some stuff around here and… Oh, yeah. Writing more.

What projects have you wrapped up lately?

50

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Here I am. I’ve managed to survive a full half of a century. I’ve tried to start this a couple of times and it’s been less than successful. My birthday is smack dab in the middle of the dumpster fire that amounts to the year 2020. Pandemic, civil unrest, soaring political rage, massive unemployment… let’s celebrate?

I don’t know that being fifty was ever going to be some kind of revelatory moment for me. My other “round number” birthdays weren’t overly moving. Other people seem to have this obsession with a single day signifying something more than a continuation of what you’ve already been doing. That’s not how I operate. Changes happen when they happen, they’re not tied to a Wednesday. So I keep forging along trying to do as much as I can. The issue of course being that as I have aged, some things DO change.

My muscles retain their knowledge of the things I used to be able to do. Sadly, as confirmed by one of my doctors (there’s a sign of getting old right there – one of my doctors), while the muscles will do as they have done before, all the connector parts can not handle the same stresses. The ligaments and tendons have failed to hold up for me. Combining that with the Jenga tower that is my back things have been pretty painful lately. I simply can’t do the things I’ve done before in the way I did them. I have to learn and understand what I’m trying to accomplish. Is there a work smarter, rather than a work harder way to do something? I can say at this age I am now very mindful of the physical challenges I take on. Hopefully I’ll continue to avoid going under the knife.

I’ve heard about midlife crises happening to people when they reach their forties or fifties. I don’t get it. I suppose that having a crisis involves being unhappy about what you have going on in your life. As for my life – I guess one would consider it ongoing. I certainly feel more together and aware of things in my life. I’m happy and comfortable most days. There are certainly a lot of things that I’d like to make better, but that’s how life goes. There aren’t any things I’d trade – all the experiences and events that I have been through combine to make me who I am today. Pull any one thread and the tapestry starts to unravel. I would rather move forward and create more tapestry rather than fold back, pull threads or obsess over past events.

That begs the question – You’re 50, what now?

I have a number of family, volunteer and professional obligations that I intend to keep going with. I don’t foresee any massive changes. Of course I’ve learned over time that the biggest changes tend to be the ones you don’t see coming, but I’m still relatively optimistic for things going forward.

I do have a list of goals that I will be updating. Having goals is an important aspect of life and those goals should be reviewed and considered regularly. I don’t have what is popularly known as a “bucket list”. That’s morbid. I have so much I want to do that making a list of it all seems to be a waste of time and resources. Could I say I want to have McDonald’s on every continent where it’s available? Sure, call that a “bucket list” item if you want, but I just call that something that will happen in my future (if you’re wondering I’ve had McDonald’s on 3 continents so far). While that plan is in progress I have a bunch of other things I need to do. At the end of the day, 50 is just a number. IF I’m writing this at 100 then maybe we’ll have a bigger celebration.

Thank you to all who read here (speaking of numbers – yes, all six of you)!

50×4

The Obvious

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I wrote previously that writing is still hard. Among other obvious statements, I’m going to continue that train of thought.

Work is still work.

After a couple of weeks getting our balance with the way things work now people seem to have gotten the hang of remote working. I say this because teleconferencing has spiked for me personally. Others may or may not have been experiencing this before ~ it’s a new thing for me. I had 5 teleconferences yesterday. I’ve got 3 lined up for today. I had 2 on Monday. Three days, 10 meetings. I bailed early on my on-line book club meeting because I was just exhausted by the end of the day. It’s just the same as when I was at the office being interrupted… I got very little actual work done.

I will admit it’s nice to see other faces, but it’s still work.

So, I don’t have all the “extra” time that some people have right now. I’m thankful to still be working. There are a lot of folks out there that aren’t and they’re suffering because of it. Yes, I’ve taken a 20% pay cut, but I should survive that. We’ll go right back up to full levels as soon as work in the construction industry picks up again.

I’ve been trying to give my creative needs outlet. As always, I have six or eight projects that have cropped up in the “OH! I should to THAT” category and got notes or nascent beginnings. I’m really trying to focus on the things that I know I have opportunities for though. There’s a lot going on – and I’m doing my best to stay on track and continue to function. We’ll see how it all shakes out as we go.

I’ll continue to share things here as they come up. Hopefully there will be exciting stuff on the way!

Written Work

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Programming note: Writing is still hard.

I’ve seen a ton of posts about all the time that some people have on their hands these days. I’ve seen posts, some joking, some serious about how much some people accomplished in the past when under quarantine rules. I’ve seen numerous posts about how one should feel about all this time, your personal level of anxiety and how much work you should get done.

A friend of mine posted an update on how much had been written during this time of not leaving the house… and questioned its value.

Writing is still hard.

Extra time at the keyboard doesn’t change that. Some people might not even get extra time at the keyboard. Some people might not be able to take it. I am extremely lucky to still be working. I am on the same hours / schedule I was before the modern plague hit the world. I still can’t sit here in front of the machine for 12 or more hours at a time. I reserve a great deal of time for work here on my computer – the day job kind.

That is not to say that other projects are still lagging. Quite the contrary actually. I’ve been chipping away at things little by little. The biggest boon to me is the reduction in travel times along with the reduction in number of meetings. There are no places I have to go, no drive time involved in going there. Very few people clamoring for my attention. that has made a certain amount of focus easier for me, so I’m getting more writing done than I have in a while.

That is not to say that it’s good writing. There is a lot of anxiety floating out there and as I have stated in other posts, the panic can and will rub off. I’m hoping that as we adjust to the way things are right now that the new schedule will allow for even more work to get done.

In the end – writing is still hard. IF you’re creative and you’re struggling – that’s OK. If you’ve got scads of free time and you can make a go of it – then you go! Get cracking and make something awesome. If you’re not a maker, be a consumer when you can. Authors, freelancers, small businesses are all going to undergo changes in the coming months. IF you’ve got the time, dig up a new author or a small press and see if you can find something you like.

Hopefully I’ll be able to pull my bits and pieces together and keep forging ahead.

The New Normal

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And there it went. The first full week of the “new normal” is in the books.

Covid-19 is rampaging across the world and killing thousands. Everyone is getting a little crazy about the whole thing – with some justification. Something like this has not occurred in our memory. There was the Spanish Flu back in the 1920s, but there are no people alive who can relate to us how society was at that time. We can read about it, but that’s all we’ve got.

We’ve also got a dramatically different method of communication at our disposal. We know more about what’s going on in the world around us at a faster speed than ever before. Hopefully this will allow us to get ahead of this virus and stop things from reaching Spanish Flu levels. Right now thousands are dying and that’s bad. The other one? Yeah, that killed somewhere between 20 and 50 MILLION people.

Million.

I would never attempt to diminish the loss of a person, or collection of persons, but as a question of scale we’re doing… as well as can be expected. Honestly, probably better than can be expected. Yes, the virus has forced us to change the way we conduct ourselves. No, we don’t know how long this is going to last. Yes, after two solid weeks of news, media and home grown “experts” yelling at us about coronavirus it seems like it’s been here forever, but it hasn’t been that long. How long will it be? No idea. Nobody knows. Lots of people are making predictions, but until we get there we won’t have any idea.

I am fortunate to still be able to work, at least right now. I have shifted to working from home and connecting to everyone via my internet connection. My lovely wife has been given the same opportunity and has a similar computer station set up next to this one. We’ve been in the same house along with the kiddo for a full week + and haven’t gone completely insane. In fact, we all seem to quite like it. We’re much more relaxed. Work has a lot of the same kind of stupid, but it’s muted by the overwhelming noise of change. I’ve heard there are people out there not handling the social isolation very well. I hope those folks take advantage of the technology we have access to and stay as connected as they can without actual physical presence.

So – big changes. Things we were told would never be a thing have come to pass (particularly the sudden ‘realization’ that certain jobs CAN in fact be done remotely). Life will be forever changed by this event. My daughter will have this as a marked point in her life that she will remember long into her adulthood much the same way I remember events like the shuttle disaster that happened when I was in high school. No where close to the same level of impact – but a bright and clear memory of that time for me.

Forging ahead. I’ve gotten a bunch of things done around the house. That’s the thing – when you can’t leave, you have to make it a point to actually create and stick to a schedule that works for your household. What am I trying to say? Well, just this: I’ve been working essentially the same schedule as before. Sure the commute is a hell of a lot better and the dress code is pretty lax, but I’m still on schedule. It means that I’m spending all that work time here on my home computer. So when I “get home from work” I have even less desire to jump on here and keep working than before.

I’m hoping to pick up some creativity soon – but given the circumstances of the world, I’m not sure I’ll get there. Maybe I’ll start cranking out the words. Dunno. Hopefully you’ll keep coming back here to see.

Bankrupt

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The Boy Scouts of America have filed for bankruptcy. They have failed to be what they claim and are now paying for that. I’ve written and posted in the past about my personal issues with the BSA program. [Don’t Bring the Fat Kid] They have been headed in the wrong direction for many years. The stances they have taken and the so called protective policies they attempted to use have undermined the very things they claim to stand for.

I was associated with the BSA for a long time. I am an eagle scout. That achievement doesn’t just go away. It’s something I am proud of. The friends I made when I was a scout are still my friends today. The things we did, the places we went, the adventures we had are as irreplaceable as they are priceless.

A program like the BSA is important. It matters. Our children are the future and we need to do whatever is in our power to give them those adventures, those friends, those leaders and role models. The leaders, mentors and role models of the BSA as it stands now have failed entirely. Taking advantage of or abusing a child is as heinous a thing as I can think of. I do not understand it, nor do I forgive it. I am not a person of virtue when it involves people that prey on children.

Hiding records of this abuse is beyond unacceptable. Yes, clearly the easy stance that nobody will argue with. The opposite is an indefensible position. There is a part of me that demands this organization be immediately dismantled, ended, and relegated to history.

BUT

Before something is completely destroyed it is important to try to wrap our heads around the potential impact. There is never really any way to truly know all the results or fall out from an action like this. There are more than 2 million boys that are still participating in this program. The most important question I can come up with is this ~ what fills the void if the BSA just goes away? The millions of boys out there getting something vital and positive from scouting will lose out. Where do they go to fill that void? No matter how convenient the entire organization can not be painted with a single brush. I don’t have good answers for alternatives. I wish I did. I’d go and do that.

Be prepared… how about Be Better?

I don’t believe the BSA will survive this. It won’t be immediate, but they will collapse under the weight of their own hubris and inability to adapt to a changing world. Much like my thoughts on a recent architecture school closure, I derive no joy from this. It saddens me to know that those thousands of boys suffered at the hands of a group that has had such a positive impact on millions of others. It’s desperately sad for me to see all the failings as an adult that I was thankfully and blessedly unaware of as a boy. I was lucky and didn’t face abuse like that. It’s depressing to see a future without a strong and popular organization for giving life to outdoor activities for kids that need it now more than ever.

I’d be interested to hear if anyone has alternatives to a program like the BSA. I hope something fills the void that will be left when the BSA eventually dies. Filling that void matters. Filling that void with a group that doesn’t hide child molesters matters more.

A New Year? Again?

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2019 really does seem like a bit of a blur to me. I’m more shocked than any other reaction that it’s actually 2020 now.

I looked back at my new year post from this past January. I can’t say that I’ve truly shaken the slump, but I’m slowly getting better / back to where I once was. I read more (though I am still failing at the reviews thing), I caught up on more media that I had been missing out on and I’ve written a few thousand words. They weren’t spectacular words, but they were progress (and they are part of why there hasn’t been more being posted here).

Given my recent post on habits, one might think that I’d be putting something up here about resolutions and how big changes are coming, etc., etc…

Well, no. That’s not how I operate. Many years ago I made a New Year’s resolution to NEVER make a New Year’s resolution again. Guess what? Total success. Still going strong on that one. IF you want or need change in your life, the calendar is convenient, but not required. Make the change to grow or get better when you make that choice. Do what you need in order to adjust your habits.

I get the feeling that I should try to have some kind of review of the past decade, but again – not really my style. I don’t like list posts – they seem kind of cheap to me. This time of year is busy for sure, but readers that have time on their hands around travel time or in an attempt to get away from relatives want something new to read, not just another review / list.

As we all go crashing into 2020 (may you be able to live with all the vision jokes) let’s hope that the most amazing positive thing that happened last year for us is just a springboard to even more amazing in the coming year.