Yup. The Pretend Blog has been around for 16 years now. It hasn’t always been on my own website, but it’s always been mine, for better or worse.
These days the creativity is still a struggle, but this place contains various parts of my musings, criticisms, art and general nonsense. More than 590 posts in all. That’s not a lot when spread out over sixteen years. That’s about 36 per year (or around 3 per month) on average. Thing is, “average” took a big hit from about 2016 through Covid reaching endemic stages. There was a lot of depression and inability to create during that time frame. That lingers, even now.
Creativity, and the mindset that comes with it take a long time to recover when suppressed for too long. Much like muscles that have atrophied from lack of use, creative things need practice. They need to be flexed and worked out. Sometimes they even need to be taken out and shown off to others.
I’m going to consider it work in progress. I’m going to stick with it and keep at it – after all, I am still pretending people still read blogs.
Here I am. I’ve managed to survive a full half of a century. I’ve tried to start this a couple of times and it’s been less than successful. My birthday is smack dab in the middle of the dumpster fire that amounts to the year 2020. Pandemic, civil unrest, soaring political rage, massive unemployment… let’s celebrate?
I don’t know that being fifty was ever going to be some kind of revelatory moment for me. My other “round number” birthdays weren’t overly moving. Other people seem to have this obsession with a single day signifying something more than a continuation of what you’ve already been doing. That’s not how I operate. Changes happen when they happen, they’re not tied to a Wednesday. So I keep forging along trying to do as much as I can. The issue of course being that as I have aged, some things DO change.
My muscles retain their knowledge of the things I used to be able to do. Sadly, as confirmed by one of my doctors (there’s a sign of getting old right there – one of my doctors), while the muscles will do as they have done before, all the connector parts can not handle the same stresses. The ligaments and tendons have failed to hold up for me. Combining that with the Jenga tower that is my back things have been pretty painful lately. I simply can’t do the things I’ve done before in the way I did them. I have to learn and understand what I’m trying to accomplish. Is there a work smarter, rather than a work harder way to do something? I can say at this age I am now very mindful of the physical challenges I take on. Hopefully I’ll continue to avoid going under the knife.
I’ve heard about midlife crises happening to people when they reach their forties or fifties. I don’t get it. I suppose that having a crisis involves being unhappy about what you have going on in your life. As for my life – I guess one would consider it ongoing. I certainly feel more together and aware of things in my life. I’m happy and comfortable most days. There are certainly a lot of things that I’d like to make better, but that’s how life goes. There aren’t any things I’d trade – all the experiences and events that I have been through combine to make me who I am today. Pull any one thread and the tapestry starts to unravel. I would rather move forward and create more tapestry rather than fold back, pull threads or obsess over past events.
That begs the question – You’re 50, what now?
I have a number of family, volunteer and professional obligations that I intend to keep going with. I don’t foresee any massive changes. Of course I’ve learned over time that the biggest changes tend to be the ones you don’t see coming, but I’m still relatively optimistic for things going forward.
I do have a list of goals that I will be updating. Having goals is an important aspect of life and those goals should be reviewed and considered regularly. I don’t have what is popularly known as a “bucket list”. That’s morbid. I have so much I want to do that making a list of it all seems to be a waste of time and resources. Could I say I want to have McDonald’s on every continent where it’s available? Sure, call that a “bucket list” item if you want, but I just call that something that will happen in my future (if you’re wondering I’ve had McDonald’s on 3 continents so far). While that plan is in progress I have a bunch of other things I need to do. At the end of the day, 50 is just a number. IF I’m writing this at 100 then maybe we’ll have a bigger celebration.
Thank you to all who read here (speaking of numbers – yes, all six of you)!
Yes, it’s my birthday. Yes, I am
totally cheating and setting this up to post when it is NOT actually
my birthday (computers and schedules and technology helping me out on
this one).
I’m not going with the posts you see
from so many about how birthdays don’t feel all that different, etc.
but instead will say this one DOES in fact feel different. This year
is a weird one. It’s close to a big birthday, but not quite there.
I’ve started to feel like I’m just getting started on so many things
and that certain aspects of my life are really starting to take off.
Other parts of my life I wonder what the hell I;m doing and why
things I truly enjoy are floundering and waiting and taking so much
time with no clear results.
The world clearly doesn’t particularly
care that it’s my birthday. It’s Monday and I’ll be at the office as
usual. I don’t tell folks there when my birthday is nor do I expect
them to celebrate in any fashion. A quiet and productive day would be
enough.
I look forward to seeing some close friends and having a good dinner for my birthday. I’ve gotten a couple of fantastic gifts so far – and I’m very thankful for them. I haven’t asked for anything – it’s all from people who thought it would be nice to give me something. I have fantastic family and friends. That makes any day better, but birthdays in particular.
I wonder if next year will be better or weirder or just different? Guess I’ll just have to forge ahead and see what this year brings!
I’ve made another full spin around the sun. It was my birthday yesterday. I am now shockingly close to being 50 years old. I’m not there yet, but that thought has started creeping around in my head. Does it have some kind of deeper meaning? I suspect that if it does, I’m missing it. It has been pointed out to me lately that I am likely missing quite a few things and that I am notably unobservant about certain things.
In an attempt to take a closer look and attempt not to ‘miss’ anything I’ve been giving the birthday and age thing a few thoughts.
I’ve reached that nebulous age that you can never picture when you’re a kid.
I went through the stage where I claimed I didn’t like girls. I claimed I would never date and certainly never get married (deep shudder). Then I started to figure out that dating was OK and maybe – just maybe girls were acceptable to speak to.
Then there was dating and all the early kinds of things people go through. Do I go and talk to that person? What if they reject me? What if it’s totally publicly humiliating like last time? Is anyone actually interested? What if I never find anyone?
I started trying to picture the future – and it never looked like it does now. It involved the job I have now but the work was the only clear part. I didn’t have anything else particularly nailed down. I thought I did, but looking back on it I realized I had no actual plan. Then I found someone. Well, I thought I’d found “the one”. She didn’t agree, and that hurt quite a lot.
Something I’ve learned over time is that generally speaking I will wind up where I am supposed to be. All of the circumstances surrounding that particular relationship and the subsequent messes following that brought me to the point where I DID meet the one. It has been a crazy journey since then – but NOTHING that you dream about as a kid. It’s not any single thing, but so many little things that the journey brings along with it.
So here I am in that grey area – more than just the hair – where kids tend to not dream about being. That area has brought with it a lot more introspection (or what some folks have deemed ‘naval gazing’) and thoughtfulness about birthdays and their deeper meaning.
In short, I’m doing great. Right on target. I expect to have a fancy new mid-life crisis sports car very soon now – I’ll let you know what color!
Today is my birthday, but I don’t celebrate much anymore. I’m in between the joy of being another year older you gain when you’re young and are desperate to reach all the milestones set ahead of you and whatever feeling accompanies the milestone birthdays as you age. I’m not 16, nor am I 60. At 45 I am right in the middle of everything and maybe that’s why I don’t see it as a particularly celebratory occasion?
I don’t want that to sound as if I’m unhappy (and text without emotion and facial expression is often misinterpreted) because I’m not. I’m happier than I ever understood I could be. I have so many things to be thankful for in my life that any list would be woefully short and inevitably I would forget something important (isn’t that a sign of getting old?). My family is healthy and happy. We have a wonderful home in a nice area with good schools. I have some success with work and such a myriad set of hobbies I can’t keep up with them all.
Maybe that gets to the crux of what I’m feeling today. It’s not so much a celebration as another distance marker. A warning if you will. Today is a great reminder that every day should be special. I have often said there are not enough hours in the day. I have, for the most part, said that in the context of another day with long hours at the office and a list of things I need to finish at the house, but the heart of the matter isn’t that at all. When I say that I think, “45 already? How the hell did that happen? I have so many things I want to do. I have so many things I want to share with my daughter. I have so many places I’d like to travel to with my wife… I’m going to run out of time if I’m not using every single day to the fullest!”
I am so grateful for all the good in my life. I’m thrilled to share that with my friends and family. I’m fine with being 45 – I’m right in the middle of all the things! I have a lot going on. I can’t wait to do more, be more and share more. There are so many places, people, things out there I’ll never get to them all – but I’m sure going to try. So in that sense, yeah – it’s a happy birthday.
I’m planning on writing up a quick reflection on my birthday later – but I want to throw a couple of other little items out there first.
It’s more than a little creepy that my Google page has a birthday note on it. Birthdays are generally things I think of as celebrations for friends and family, not multi-national search engine companies.
I’m so happy to see birthday messages on Facebook. Little things really do make the difference. It has also become a distraction to my day. Having everything linked together is fantastic most of the time. Having my phone going off and my e-mail chime and my tablet announce new messages every time somebody posts isn’t generally an issue. Today they’re going off constantly – but not at the same time. I’ve had to restrain myself from jumping to check things in order to get any work done at all. I know – total first world problem. Not a complaint, just an observation. Maybe it’s all the noise and celebration of a birthday party, just spread out over the course of the day?
Thank you to all my friends and family for the birthday wishes. It matters. I appreciate it.
It’s my birthday! I’ll probably celebrate by mowing the lawn or finishing the laundry tonight. Look out for my life on the edge!
As I sit here there are fingers reaching up from my neck and squeezing the back of my head. I’d lift my arm to rub my head and relieve the pressure but the stabbing pain in my shoulder only allows my arm to reach the halfway point before turning back. My feet are tingling because I’ve stressed my back to the point where I should walk away from this infernal machine and rest…
Or happy birthday to me.
I’m two years gone from the answer to life, the universe and everything and somehow feel as if the answers are truly getting further away. What’s coming closer though is an amazing person that my daughter is growing up to be. I’m uncertain how that’s happening, but I am so glad that it is. Also coming closer is a day when my lovely wife will be back on her feet (both of them) with her heart completely back in working order so we can keep wandering down the road of life together (and leave behind the crutches)!
I don’t celebrate much anymore, but I did really like the ice cream cake I shared with my family on Sunday (thanks Mom!). There should be more ice cream cake in the world, I think that would help. It was a small thing to have a mini celebration, but it was nice to mark the occasion. I’m glad we had that time together as a family.
Today was particularly excellent. The adjustment bureau took the day off and my travels were so smooth and quick I was way, way ahead of schedule. Work wrapped up early and I got home early. My lovely wife grilled some chicken for dinner and I am so happy she is working her way back to being able to handle the cooking – I like what she makes better than the pitiful handful of things I can work up.
So I’m a year older, a year further along but also a year happier than I’ve ever been despite all the bumps and potholes along the way. I am really looking forward to another wonderful year.
