Category Archives: Personal Observation

Bankrupt

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The Boy Scouts of America have filed for bankruptcy. They have failed to be what they claim and are now paying for that. I’ve written and posted in the past about my personal issues with the BSA program. [Don’t Bring the Fat Kid] They have been headed in the wrong direction for many years. The stances they have taken and the so called protective policies they attempted to use have undermined the very things they claim to stand for.

I was associated with the BSA for a long time. I am an eagle scout. That achievement doesn’t just go away. It’s something I am proud of. The friends I made when I was a scout are still my friends today. The things we did, the places we went, the adventures we had are as irreplaceable as they are priceless.

A program like the BSA is important. It matters. Our children are the future and we need to do whatever is in our power to give them those adventures, those friends, those leaders and role models. The leaders, mentors and role models of the BSA as it stands now have failed entirely. Taking advantage of or abusing a child is as heinous a thing as I can think of. I do not understand it, nor do I forgive it. I am not a person of virtue when it involves people that prey on children.

Hiding records of this abuse is beyond unacceptable. Yes, clearly the easy stance that nobody will argue with. The opposite is an indefensible position. There is a part of me that demands this organization be immediately dismantled, ended, and relegated to history.

BUT

Before something is completely destroyed it is important to try to wrap our heads around the potential impact. There is never really any way to truly know all the results or fall out from an action like this. There are more than 2 million boys that are still participating in this program. The most important question I can come up with is this ~ what fills the void if the BSA just goes away? The millions of boys out there getting something vital and positive from scouting will lose out. Where do they go to fill that void? No matter how convenient the entire organization can not be painted with a single brush. I don’t have good answers for alternatives. I wish I did. I’d go and do that.

Be prepared… how about Be Better?

I don’t believe the BSA will survive this. It won’t be immediate, but they will collapse under the weight of their own hubris and inability to adapt to a changing world. Much like my thoughts on a recent architecture school closure, I derive no joy from this. It saddens me to know that those thousands of boys suffered at the hands of a group that has had such a positive impact on millions of others. It’s desperately sad for me to see all the failings as an adult that I was thankfully and blessedly unaware of as a boy. I was lucky and didn’t face abuse like that. It’s depressing to see a future without a strong and popular organization for giving life to outdoor activities for kids that need it now more than ever.

I’d be interested to hear if anyone has alternatives to a program like the BSA. I hope something fills the void that will be left when the BSA eventually dies. Filling that void matters. Filling that void with a group that doesn’t hide child molesters matters more.

The Power of Listening

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I’m not good at it. Listening is not easy. Genuinely hearing what other people are saying is active – a verb. You are doing something, not just passively sitting and waiting for your turn to speak. Most people don’t listen with the intent of understanding, most people listen with the intent of responding.

I’m going to frame this conversation in terms of entertainment, both written and other media, but it is something that should be applied to any other communication.

The movies have always been for me. The massive, record breaking, blockbuster films for the vast majority of my life have been super white. The awards given out have been all white. The works they were based on were overwhelmingly white. It’s been a white, white, white world.

February is black history month. The Academy of Motion pictures is holding it’s annual awards this first weekend of February. Will diversity show up? I have my doubts. Check out this video to hear what prompted my thought process.

When the comic book adaptation film Black Panther came out I was very excited to see another part of the Marvel cinematic universe come to life on the screen. BP crushed at the box office and had amazing staying power in the theaters. It got extremely positive reviews. When I reviewed the movie the take away for me was “this movie was not aimed at me”. It was a black superhero telling a story that showed that white wasn’t the only way. It was aimed at NOT white kids to say, “look, this is for you too”. I thought that was one of the best parts of the movie. I have no idea the “realness” of the backgrounds of characters, the authenticity of the costume inspirations – non of that is history I know. It was wonderful, but in the end it didn’t have the same impact it would if I were part of a community that grew up with, knew or understood those things. I appreciate what it is and what it did, but it was not going to be inspirational to me or have the kind of impact it will with people not from my background.

I attempted to explain what I meant to another white person. This white person said something to the effect of, “What? You don’t like it? How can you not like it? Look what Marvel is doing! All those costumes and colors…”

This person wasn’t listening. To them the film was just another part of a bigger whole without the context of inclusion. To be fair – I don’t know if it was a matter of accepting this diversity without question or completely missing the point. The feeling I got during the conversation was that they were completely missing the point. It’s not easy to listen without putting forward your own view and making things fit into the framework you’re comfortable with. Saying that it wasn’t for me was not a condemnation of the film, it was an attempt to understand that an expanded and multi-faceted creation had more to offer than the same old reworked all white framework that I have known my entire life.

Sometimes when listening becomes action it means accepting a different role. Really listening means you’re open to changing your views. Sometimes the different role is not the “in charge” role. Not making decisions or leading. If you’ve always been in the lead it is not easy to relinquish that to anybody else, let alone someone that doesn’t mesh with the homogenized system you’ve become comfortable with.

This is also not an easy conversation to have. Being the middle aged white guy makes putting forward any thoughts on diversity of any kind dangerous. It’s easy to go wrong due to lack of understanding and a lack of willingness to listen. There’s a quote I heard in the past about media that essentially said if you let somebody talk long enough you will be able to take six lines out of context and use that against them – even if that was never what they meant. Sometimes you don’t know or can’t know the right context for asking questions. It can be challenging to put forward that you don’t know something. It will make you vulnerable and people don’t generally like that. The landscape of social media makes it easy to hide behind anonymity and scream out about the faults of others. Nobody wants to be vulnerable. Vulnerability scares people.

Great quote from a great movie, “I have the right to see fine in any color…”

I am trying to listen. I am hoping to be part of a meaningful change. It won’t be easy. It’s something I’m working on. I think I’m getting better, but that’s not really for me to judge. Diversity matters. It matters an awful lot more than we understand. Listen ~ and be part of the change.

Random Sports Stuff

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I am a fan of sports in general. I was an athlete once upon a time. I have a vague sense of what it takes for folks to achieve things at a high level and what kind physical effort it really takes to be great. I am not one of those people that somehow believes “if not for that one thing…” I would have been there. Getting to the top of any game is a massive, life consuming effort. Even the low level of athleticism I managed to achieve takes its toll on a body. I can’t imagine how I would feel now if I had been pushing my body further, faster, stronger or more than I did.

It’s still fun to watch sports, mostly. I’ve drifted away from the major sports. The No Fun League has really fallen in my view. They excuse unethical, dangerous and violent behavior as part of doing business. They’ve been so big for so long that they’ve become a machine that doesn’t feel like it will be stopped.

Prediction zone – KC will win the game today. It will be tight. The Patriots will regret trading Jimmy G to the 49ers ~ win or lose today he’ll be back in the playoffs a bunch.

Speaking of the Pats ~ it’s going to be a long time before they see the super bowl again. Tom Brady is playing the media like no other athlete before. He will sign back with the Pats (one year deal ~ big money). They’ll make the playoffs next year (again) and get knocked out before the AFC title game (again). That will be it for them. It will be another 20 or 30 years before they’re good again. I was watching when they went to the super bowl the first time, I’ll probably be watching when they go again. It’s been a nice run.

I plan on watching “the big game” today (calling it that is an entirely different argument that I’m not interested in right now [it’s stupid]). I will continue to casually track my favorite team and watch games when I can. I won’t spend any more money on them. I think there are a lot of problems with that league and all they stand for (with their actions more than their words).

I do believe that sports can and should have an important place in the lives of people. I am in no way trying to say that football or any other organized sport should somehow be stopped or removed. Sports give us a lot ~ and a lot more than entertainment. Life lessons, amazing stories, opportunities for real change… all of those things are part of sports. Physical health is part of sports. Mental health and emotional well being should be part of it too. I’m not saying we need to have ‘participation trophies’ or stop keeping score. Winning and losing are part of understanding how life works. Losing is a particularly important part of learning. IF you never get knocked down you won’t learn how to get up, dust yourself off and keep going. That matters.

I hope to see sports continue to grow and change. I love seeing how far and how hard people can push themselves. What are the limits of unaided human physicality? How far can sports go without becoming something beyond human?

I’m working on a collection of stories that I hope will delve into the distant, and maybe not to distant future of sports and what people can achieve in that realm.

Digital Native?

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I was having a conversation with a friend about digital ownership. That wasn’t all the conversation was about, but it was a significant part of what we covered. He was telling me about a group of people that had put a lot of money into this digital venture and then it was suddenly gone.

By pure coincidence I got this notice today:

That’s it. A program I’ve been using for a while is going to just stop. The notice popped up right after an “upgrade”. No recourse, no options ~ they’re done. If you’ve put any amount of money into this program… sorry. You’re done. Use it up before April.

This is a game, and I’ve never actually spent any money on it. It was running on the ad revenue from me and clearly that’s not enough for them to keep going with this program. The money amounts for “in app purchases” never really looked like anything more than ten or twelve bucks. I still wouldn’t spend my money on it…

And that’s part of what’s making me think. My friend was explaining this other group of folks had dropped tens or hundreds of dollars on “digital real estate” and would often spend significant amounts of time in these digital locations. I have to admit that I don’t get it. I’m trying to draw parallels to spending money on going to the movies or some other form of entertainment, but the amount of money seems terribly disproportionate to me. I’m not sure where the block is for me… but it definitely doesn’t seem to make sense to me.

I suppose the value of entertainment is in what you get out of it. While hundreds of dollars seems desperately irresponsible to me for purchasing video game… anything frankly, if I didn’t have the ability to get up and out of the house on my own I’d likely see that differently. That digital real estate would be my way to vacation. I wouldn’t get photos at the airport, I’d get screen shots of that one time when this really cool thing happened ~ right?

I will probably have this added to the tally of “Luddite credentials” that I have, but I just don’t ever foresee myself being willing to put so much money into an item of entertainment, and particularly never a digital thing. I’m already very nervous about the number of “books” that I don’t own via Kindle. I do my best to download copies to an off line location, but I can’t say that I’ve gotten them all. Even if I did get them all, what if the reader equipment I have fails to function? I get the queasy feeling that I’ll eventually be dealing with some other kind of entertainment / digital upgrade nonsense about something that will cause me to add to my pile of vinyl records, 8-tracks, cassette tapes, VCR tapes…

I suppose I have to chalk this up to the price of entertainment and the illusion of ownership. People will pay what they want to have fun and be part of something entertaining. I won’t be paying to join an online WoW server any time soon, but I hope the folks that do have a great time while it lasts.

An Anniversary

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A date slipped past in the midst of all the holiday goings on. Back on December 27th The Pretend Blog became a teenager. Yes, this blog has been around for 13 years now.

It has not always been on my own web site. I started this whole thing back in the days of LiveJournal if you can believe it. Thirteen years of putting stuff I want to get out of my head up here.

I am forced to admit that I haven’t built the sort of readership that people who pay for their own web sites normally want. I have NO intention of stopping this however. I will continue to keep my own content, thank you very much.

So – all these thousands of words later – teenager. Let’s hope the site gives me less attitude than most teens give their parents!

For any fans of nostalgia, the LiveJournal posts are still live. I don’t remember how to get into that site, but all that stuff can still be found here.

I’m also consistent about a lot of things. I still laugh every time I watch The Ultimate Showdown (from the second ever blog post by me!).

A New Year? Again?

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2019 really does seem like a bit of a blur to me. I’m more shocked than any other reaction that it’s actually 2020 now.

I looked back at my new year post from this past January. I can’t say that I’ve truly shaken the slump, but I’m slowly getting better / back to where I once was. I read more (though I am still failing at the reviews thing), I caught up on more media that I had been missing out on and I’ve written a few thousand words. They weren’t spectacular words, but they were progress (and they are part of why there hasn’t been more being posted here).

Given my recent post on habits, one might think that I’d be putting something up here about resolutions and how big changes are coming, etc., etc…

Well, no. That’s not how I operate. Many years ago I made a New Year’s resolution to NEVER make a New Year’s resolution again. Guess what? Total success. Still going strong on that one. IF you want or need change in your life, the calendar is convenient, but not required. Make the change to grow or get better when you make that choice. Do what you need in order to adjust your habits.

I get the feeling that I should try to have some kind of review of the past decade, but again – not really my style. I don’t like list posts – they seem kind of cheap to me. This time of year is busy for sure, but readers that have time on their hands around travel time or in an attempt to get away from relatives want something new to read, not just another review / list.

As we all go crashing into 2020 (may you be able to live with all the vision jokes) let’s hope that the most amazing positive thing that happened last year for us is just a springboard to even more amazing in the coming year.

Habits

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Habits

Habits are difficult things to break. There are a lot of things I do that happen simply because they’re what I have always done. I have a listing in my internet bookmarks called ‘daily review’. Every time I am on the computer for any length of time I open that list of bookmarks and roll through each of the sites there. I don’t need to see any of those sites. They’re a mix of news, entertainment and web comics that I follow. It’s important to keep up on the news of the day, but there really isn’t a single one of those web sites that I couldn’t catch up with at some other point in the day OR just skip. Seeing the latest “Off The Mark” comic strip is not something that’s going to deeply change my day. I could skip all of them and not really miss anything at all. It’s a hard habit to break.

As it turns out, it’s also challenging to create new habits. Doing good things, making long term positive changes is not easy either. This applies to anything, but it is particularly difficult for me to do this with writing. My writing tends to take a back seat. There are a lot of reasons for this. The main reasons aren’t easy to pin down, but I think the biggest are lack of inspiration and fear of judgment

Writing at the level I really want is work. I tend to write when I am inspired. When I have that spark the words come pouring out. I have pages and pages of hand written notes with almost no scratch outs or edits. I become the Zeus of the story and chunks just pop from my head fully formed. The problem with that is combining inspiration and the actual time needed to sit and get all the words recorded. There’s at least a novel worth of words that have faded away because I couldn’t manage to get them to the page when the dream was fresh or the mood was in full swing. I can’t afford to wait on these pages. I need to sit and write and keep it all in some kind of recorded form, whatever that form may be. Typed, handwritten, voice recording – doesn’t matter. Get the words out there and do it all the time.

It’s easy to hear others talk about these things. I know that Ray Bradbury used to write ten thousand words a day. Sounds like the perfect recipe for writing books. I’ve often snatched a line from one of my other favorite authors. When I heard Jim Butcher talk about writing he said, “I don’t have a muse, I have a mortgage…” I knew there was truth there. Writing is work. Work needs to be done on a regular basis. I do not do enough of that kind of work.

Judgment

The other part of my inability to start good habits is this fear of judgment. If I put myself out there and claim to be a writer I will be judged by my ability to string together coherent statements with the proper use of grammar AND it will all need to be spelled right. Then, after all the basics, I need to actually have something to say.

Two main parts to that. First the spelling and grammar portion is not easy. I am terrible at spelling. I can look at this page alone and see at least 3 words with squiggly red lines under them. They are words that I absolutely should know how to spell and I just can’t seem to get them right. I don’t know why, but they don’t stick. It’s physically difficult for me to keep typing and not go back to edit while I’m letting the words continue to come out. Going back to edit can and should be something that is done after all the words are out. Too often I stop what I am thinking to go back and craft the perfect phrase or clean up all the spelling that is glaring at me in red. Breaking the flow stops the words and just as often as not they don’t start again. Grammar is worse. Grammar is one of those things that I know I should know, but I feel a bit like Gandalf in the LOTR movies, “I have no memory of this place…”. I am faking my way through it all and anyone that has half a clue about how grammar works probably cringes at the word salad I toss out.

Impostor

The second part is the judgment All this writing is out there for people to read, and very few people actually read it. The fact that I can name the people who interact with me when it comes to my writing says a lot about my success. That’s the true judgment part. It’s not having some troll throw angry words down about what I have said, it’s that all of this amounts to nothing. Getting somebody to react, somebody to actually read what I have labored to create would allow them to look at my terrible spelling and grammar and think, “this guy is a writer? I could do better…”. One of the harshest critiques I’ve ever had was at a book signing. The book signing had a line of authors from the anthology. As people shuffled along the line of authors this guy asked me, “and what story was yours?”. When I told him his face froze in place and then he said, “Oh. That one was… nice.”. I thanked him again and he stepped down the line to the next author. That really sucked. He’d read it and it did nothing for him. That was a tough one to overcome, but I’ve kept going in the hopes that I’ll sneak in with the cool kids again one of these days. It’s not easy. I am slowly slipping into the land of old men standing in the yard and yelling at the sky.

After all that

This is the sort of rambling, writerly life-style post that would normally end with some promise not to blog fade or to use the coming new year as an excuse to claim great changes are on the way. I’ve done all that before. I’m sure I’ll re-post one of my successful habits in the coming days about that. What I am going to say is that this is all a work in progress. I have seen some short videos lately that have resonated with me about habits, work ethic and the tool box fallacy. I’ll keep going. In the future somebody will dig these words up and bring them back for judgment – at least I will have made them react.

Post Script:

This is one of those “fully formed” examples. More than a thousand words that poured out all at once. Now to edit…

This Site

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I am not a fan of change simply for the sake of change. Many (most?) things can simply be ‘steady on’ and I’m good with that. I frequently see solutions looking for problems in the day job and people pick these things up simply because they are new and flashy.

I really like solutions… IF there’s actually a problem to address. If things are running smoothly, why change them? I really like a certain level of consistency. I remember when everyone’s web site absolutely needed frames. Then everyone’s web site needed flash. Java. There are lots of things that have come and gone. That’s not me.

However.

I get it for certain marketing functions. I do. Sometimes things need to be freshened up and given a new coat of paint (or digital wallpaper at least).

I’m not a web designer. I know there are parts of this site that are broken and have been for some time. I know there are parts of it that need desperately to be updated. I have actually gone out and started a conversation with somebody that might be able to help me with this. Let me rephrase that – I know she can help me, the question is if I can afford her (she’s a pro). Coming from the creator community I will NOT ask somebody to work “for the exposure”. Just like winter time – you can die from exposure.

So – some small hope that things will brighten up in the near future. We’ll see how it works out together!

Vegas Baby!

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The thing about going to Las Vegas is the show. It’s very flashy. It’s very showy. It’s a massive glittering facade. Once you’ve passed the point of being overwhelmed by the shear magnitude of it all… how you perceive the place largely depends on your interests and cash flow.

Right after Philcon I headed to Las Vegas for a week for a convention. The convention was all work related – and significantly larger that most science fiction conventions I attend. There were somewhere in the range of eleven thousand people at this convention. Much like any other convention, there are good aspects and bad aspects. There are great panels and there are clunkers. There was a massive party along the way too.

Lonely looking the other way

I attended this convention alone. Nobody from my office was there. I knew less than a handful of people at the con and failed to connect with an old friend that lives in the area. Thing is, under those circumstances Vegas can be quite a different place.

I didn’t have any time to book shows or do most of the “tourist” stuff. I was also lucky enough to have traveled to Vegas with my wife earlier this year. We did a couple of shows and a lot more of the “tourist” stuff when we were there together. Being there alone, without those things going on, gave me some time to just sit and watch. There is certainly a lot to see while you’re there. Most of what I saw was people being overwhelmed by the scale of the place. They were all in for the show.

I’m not saying that there aren’t still things for me to see or do in Las Vegas, but sitting and just watching gave me the chance to be more objective about it. It’s huge and showy but it’s a vast facade. It’s a massive, glittering object in the middle of nowhere. It was definitely a more depressing view. When you sit and watch you notice things. I saw more than one person there that was busy purging alcohol from their system. This happens when you drink too much – but this was a Tuesday afternoon. I saw a lot more of the people working and keeping the facade running. I saw at least 2 ankle monitors for folks working at various places. It had the surreal aspects of the old movie version of the Time Machine. The happy people didn’t notice who was getting eaten.

Looking the other way from the high roller

I don’t know when I’ll get the chance to get back to Vegas again, but I do know that I’ll be looking at things a lot differently the next time I go.

More of what everyone is talking about…

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I was excited. I’m still a little excited… but it’s dulled now.

Spent some time with Disney+ last night. Guess what you can’t binge? That’s right – they’re not dropping the Mandelorian all at once, they’re spacing it out and dropping one episode at a time.

I watched the first one. It’s good. It’s the Star Wars Universe. SPOILER ALERT – there are storm troopers in there too. As I was watching the show I caught a couple of very disturbing things. Things that make me question certain aspects of the show – and exactly how appropriate it is for kids.

IF you don’t want spoilers, turn away now.

There’s a scene in one of the bars where a fight breaks out ~ like it would in any movie frontier situation. Then one of the individuals involved in the fight gets cut in half. Yes, they allowed that to happen mostly off screen, but it was pretty clear what went down. Episode 1, right off the bat. Dude was cut in half by one of those iris doors. I suppose all the safety measures had been removed because frontier or something. I guess if it’s mostly off screen that’s fine.

The part that really bothered me was a passing little piece in the market. You remember this guy from Jabba’s place?

Salacious B. Crumb

They’ve got one of them in a cage in the market… watching another one of their race being cooked on a spit. A sentient creature – able to express emotion – being cooked on a spit in front of another of it’s race. I’m not sure I’m OK with that. I need to give it some real consideration.

Other people are far less circumspect. There has been a ripple of backlash against Disney and how… dominating? overpowering? destructive? they’ve been in the entertainment industry for a very long time. IF you get a chance you should check out this article in Variety about the warnings that are popping up on some of the cartoons / movies they’re playing on their channel.

I have to agree that the folks at the WB seem to have handled that a lot better. I wonder what their thoughts are on sentient being rotisserie as torture…