There are days when it’s a real struggle to get words on the page. Sometimes just writing a short, easy statement can help with that. Some days is doesn’t help at all. Sometimes the stress of life puts a real, genuine damper on the production of words.
Most days I will tell people that I eat stress for breakfast then head out to take on the day. Most days.
Last week really pushed the needle on the stress meter. There was simply a ton of things that went pear shaped – not just for me, but for family and super close friends. Losses of jobs, medical diagnoses, calls from the consulate regarding a certain family members ability to get a visa, court dates, project deadlines, last minute school arrangements… It was an awful lot. I’d say I need a vacation, but that doesn’t help a whole lot these days either. The pandemic has made things so much more challenging across the board.
Long, deep, soulful sigh ~ insert here.
I’m back at the keys and clacking away. I’ve got a deadline tomorrow that I can’t miss for work and a deadline I can’t miss tomorrow for the kiddo. Work should be easy. Writing an essay about what I’ve learned as a parent as part of my daughter’s journey in martial arts? That’s going to be a challenge.
Here I am. I’ve managed to survive a full half of a century. I’ve tried to start this a couple of times and it’s been less than successful. My birthday is smack dab in the middle of the dumpster fire that amounts to the year 2020. Pandemic, civil unrest, soaring political rage, massive unemployment… let’s celebrate?
I don’t know that being fifty was ever going to be some kind of revelatory moment for me. My other “round number” birthdays weren’t overly moving. Other people seem to have this obsession with a single day signifying something more than a continuation of what you’ve already been doing. That’s not how I operate. Changes happen when they happen, they’re not tied to a Wednesday. So I keep forging along trying to do as much as I can. The issue of course being that as I have aged, some things DO change.
My muscles retain their knowledge of the things I used to be able to do. Sadly, as confirmed by one of my doctors (there’s a sign of getting old right there – one of my doctors), while the muscles will do as they have done before, all the connector parts can not handle the same stresses. The ligaments and tendons have failed to hold up for me. Combining that with the Jenga tower that is my back things have been pretty painful lately. I simply can’t do the things I’ve done before in the way I did them. I have to learn and understand what I’m trying to accomplish. Is there a work smarter, rather than a work harder way to do something? I can say at this age I am now very mindful of the physical challenges I take on. Hopefully I’ll continue to avoid going under the knife.
I’ve heard about midlife crises happening to people when they reach their forties or fifties. I don’t get it. I suppose that having a crisis involves being unhappy about what you have going on in your life. As for my life – I guess one would consider it ongoing. I certainly feel more together and aware of things in my life. I’m happy and comfortable most days. There are certainly a lot of things that I’d like to make better, but that’s how life goes. There aren’t any things I’d trade – all the experiences and events that I have been through combine to make me who I am today. Pull any one thread and the tapestry starts to unravel. I would rather move forward and create more tapestry rather than fold back, pull threads or obsess over past events.
That begs the question – You’re 50, what now?
I have a number of family, volunteer and professional obligations that I intend to keep going with. I don’t foresee any massive changes. Of course I’ve learned over time that the biggest changes tend to be the ones you don’t see coming, but I’m still relatively optimistic for things going forward.
I do have a list of goals that I will be updating. Having goals is an important aspect of life and those goals should be reviewed and considered regularly. I don’t have what is popularly known as a “bucket list”. That’s morbid. I have so much I want to do that making a list of it all seems to be a waste of time and resources. Could I say I want to have McDonald’s on every continent where it’s available? Sure, call that a “bucket list” item if you want, but I just call that something that will happen in my future (if you’re wondering I’ve had McDonald’s on 3 continents so far). While that plan is in progress I have a bunch of other things I need to do. At the end of the day, 50 is just a number. IF I’m writing this at 100 then maybe we’ll have a bigger celebration.
Thank you to all who read here (speaking of numbers – yes, all six of you)!
I’ve survived the first week back in the office since the global pandemic shut things down. It was as surreal as I suspected it would be. It was going through the same motions as before, but with something missing. While working from home I used all the discipline I had to stay on the same schedule I had when I was leaving the house and going to the office (thankfully). Getting up at ‘the regular time’ and getting ready for work wasn’t really any different.
Leaving the house was different.
There’s normally a level of activity and noise that are going on in the neighborhood where I live. In the mornings on the way out the door there’s a feeling, a sense that aligns with people going through their daily routine. There are cars I recognize from the area, delivery trucks, buses and all sorts of… well, people. This past week did not have that feeling. It was weirdly quiet when I left of the office. Traffic around the house was down to a handful of cars at the most. It wasn’t terrible, it just gave this sense of something being off.
It became more pronounced once I crossed the bridge. The state capitol building is literally two blocks from my office. It’s always busy on all those streets and alleys during a business day. Three lanes solid to or from either highway, trucks, buses, delivery drivers of greater variety… and none of them were there.
Sure, there were other cars on the road. There are a large number of people that fall under the tag ‘essential worker’, but it was nothing like it was before. I have always attempted to get a feel for the ebb and flow of when traffic was the heaviest and slip in between those times. Some days worked better than others. This week? This week it didn’t matter. I was at the office in what seemed like mere moments.
The biggest thing about actually being at the office? Inconvenience.
Yes, you read that right. We have a relatively small staff with ample social distance. There’s nobody else even sitting in the room I’m in while I’m at work. I’m back on the beefy work computer and connected to the servers. I’ve got two wide screen monitors and all the bells and whistles. So, what inconvenience? Everything is closed. Our communal kitchen with the microwave is closed. The water cooler is shut down. The ice machine is closed off with the kitchen. The restaurants around us are super limited in choice and delivery options. It has actually made certain aspects of getting work done more challenging. I didn’t have to worry about where and how I was going to get some water during the day. I didn’t have to give a second thought to lunch when I was home – I could stroll into the kitchen and get it. It’s odd, but it’s almost like being back in the time when I worked for a construction crew and we had to have a thermos and a lunch box because there were no amenities. Sure, our bathroom is WAY better than a port-a-potty (or a shrub), but it’s almost as if I’m back at a construction site inside the office. If you don’t have it with you, it doesn’t happen until you’re back home.
It took a day or two of adjustment along with a corrected grocery list, but I think I’m back on track and ready for things to start picking up. Construction is underway and requests for all manner of paperwork and sketches are flowing again. Hopefully people will continue to be safe and we’ll get things up and really moving again soon.
One thing that the pandemic has done for me is given me a certain amount of flexibility. There are a number of times when I’d have the motivation to write and then need to be running off someplace where I’d lack the ability to actually get things typed up. Now, since just about everything is locked down it has given me the chance to take advantage of those moments. There is no place to run off to right now.
It’s nice to have the options to say, “I think pajamas and slippers all day today while I work at the computer”. No pressure. It has certainly helped.
It was never going to last. Intellectually that was easy to say, but emotionally it’s been difficult to track. It feels as though this change is never ending. Well, time is up for me.
I have been working from home (thankfully) since things have been shut down. Yes, the hours have been reduced, but I have still been on a schedule. Working days has meant that I don’t have constant ‘free time’ but outside of those hours has still been available. Starting on Monday May the 4th (Star Wars day!) I’ll be back in the office. Construction and related construction activities are coming back on line. Projects are getting underway.
In the future, when we look back at this time I wonder what we will make of the dream like state we floated through during these days of being stuck at home. I look forward to seeing how it has changed who we will become.
I wrote previously that writing is still hard. Among other obvious statements, I’m going to continue that train of thought.
Work is still work.
After a couple of weeks getting our balance with the way things work now people seem to have gotten the hang of remote working. I say this because teleconferencing has spiked for me personally. Others may or may not have been experiencing this before ~ it’s a new thing for me. I had 5 teleconferences yesterday. I’ve got 3 lined up for today. I had 2 on Monday. Three days, 10 meetings. I bailed early on my on-line book club meeting because I was just exhausted by the end of the day. It’s just the same as when I was at the office being interrupted… I got very little actual work done.
I will admit it’s nice to see other
faces, but it’s still work.
So, I don’t have all the “extra”
time that some people have right now. I’m thankful to still be
working. There are a lot of folks out there that aren’t and they’re
suffering because of it. Yes, I’ve taken a 20% pay cut, but I should
survive that. We’ll go right back up to full levels as soon as work
in the construction industry picks up again.
I’ve been trying to give my creative
needs outlet. As always, I have six or eight projects that have
cropped up in the “OH! I should to THAT” category and got
notes or nascent beginnings. I’m really trying to focus on the things
that I know I have opportunities for though. There’s a lot going on –
and I’m doing my best to stay on track and continue to function.
We’ll see how it all shakes out as we go.
I’ll continue to share things here as
they come up. Hopefully there will be exciting stuff on the way!
I’ve seen a ton of posts about all the time that some people have on their hands these days. I’ve seen posts, some joking, some serious about how much some people accomplished in the past when under quarantine rules. I’ve seen numerous posts about how one should feel about all this time, your personal level of anxiety and how much work you should get done.
A friend of mine posted an update on how much had been written during this time of not leaving the house… and questioned its value.
Writing is still hard.
Extra time at the keyboard doesn’t change that. Some people might not even get extra time at the keyboard. Some people might not be able to take it. I am extremely lucky to still be working. I am on the same hours / schedule I was before the modern plague hit the world. I still can’t sit here in front of the machine for 12 or more hours at a time. I reserve a great deal of time for work here on my computer – the day job kind.
That is not to say that other projects are still lagging. Quite the contrary actually. I’ve been chipping away at things little by little. The biggest boon to me is the reduction in travel times along with the reduction in number of meetings. There are no places I have to go, no drive time involved in going there. Very few people clamoring for my attention. that has made a certain amount of focus easier for me, so I’m getting more writing done than I have in a while.
That is not to say that it’s good writing. There is a lot of anxiety floating out there and as I have stated in other posts, the panic can and will rub off. I’m hoping that as we adjust to the way things are right now that the new schedule will allow for even more work to get done.
In the end – writing is still hard. IF you’re creative and you’re struggling – that’s OK. If you’ve got scads of free time and you can make a go of it – then you go! Get cracking and make something awesome. If you’re not a maker, be a consumer when you can. Authors, freelancers, small businesses are all going to undergo changes in the coming months. IF you’ve got the time, dig up a new author or a small press and see if you can find something you like.
Hopefully I’ll be able to pull my bits and pieces together and keep forging ahead.
There are still other people in the
world. I know that sounds silly, but I also know that if you’ve been
quarantined at home for a couple of weeks you might lose track of
that simple fact.
It’s easy to consider others when
you’re reaching out across a computer connection. People still exist
in the real world too. This is not some bizarre Martrix variation. I
am putting this out there because of a small incident from early this
morning.
I am fortunate to be among those who
are still working. There are a lot of folks out there that aren’t and
that’s causing people to make some difficult choices. Because I am
still working, I am still on my regular old schedule. On that
schedule I am up relatively early ~ and generally out the door for a
brisk walk of a mile or more every morning around 5:30 am.
For a community on “lock-down” and
under a government mandated stay at home order there were a LOT of
people out there, including the local share-a-ride bus. Again, at the
risk of sounding silly a couple of dozen cars out and moving that
early is a lot. I am very aware of my surroundings while I’m out like
that. It’s early, it’s dark most days and I have no desire to be
accidentally run over by somebody that hasn’t made it to the local
coffee shop to “wake up” yet (that’s an entirely different
discussion for a later date).
When I was walking up to one of the
intersections a car from the neighborhood down that street rolled up
almost to the corner and stopped abruptly. I normally take the
crosswalk and keep chugging along, but I hesitated and slowed down.
The driver of this car – a young lady that I’m certain was on the
way to some kind of work deemed life sustaining – while still in
gear, opened the driver side door. I thought perhaps she was going to
ask something or was in need of assistance. I stopped and waited.
While I was watching from the sidewalk on the passenger side of her
car she proceeded to search around insider her car as if she’d lost
something. Ducking down below window level, craning back over toward
the back seat… generally looking scattered.
Here was my thought process: IF you’re
looking for something, take your car out of gear and put it into
park. IF you can’t figure out how to turn the dome light on in your
car without opening the door, perhaps you should pay more attention
to how to operate this machine you’re in charge of… IF this young
lady couldn’t manage to handle those two basic things there was NO
WAY I was going to walk in front of her car to cross the street. Not
happening, no matter how much reflective stuff I have on.
Here’s the part that prompted this
post. As I went around the back of her car to continue my walk
something reflective must have caught her eye since I was walking
through the light of her brake lights. She looked shocked and shaken
that somebody else existed in the world. I had my headphones in, but
I think there might have been a squeak that came out of her car that
had nothing to do with car parts needing oil. She proceeded to stare
at me as I walked away for a really long time. I almost wanted to go
back and ask her if she was OK – but when I was probably 20 or 30
yards away and looked back I heard the car door slam shut and she
pulled around the corner.
I know that stay at home orders are challenging. Please don’t forget that eventually you will need to go out and deal with real people in the actual, physical world again. You’re going to need to be extra vigilant to avoid people that forget there are other people in the world…
It has been a year. Today isn’t a
specific anniversary date, but it has been a year since the company
that ran a number of conventions including ReGenerationWho imploded.
I wrote about my feelings in Death of a Convention last year, but now
I’ve had significantly more time to reflect.
That time to reflect has both helped
and hurt.
Time away from the chaos, rushing and
stress has given me the chance to really enjoy all the fun we had and
the amazing things we accomplished over the years. I have so many new
friends because of the things we did. We were part of something
amazing and wonderful. It has helped me to see just how cool the
fandom community really is.
Time away has hurt too. I don’t get to
see many of those folks on a regular basis. We’re connected via
social media, but sometimes an in person get together is needed. It
has also hurt to see folks that did not handle any of this well. I
will not name people here, but I have generated a deep and abiding
anger toward some parts of the collapsing mess that was. It hasn’t
gone away. I don’t think it will any time soon.
I think that’s the key to it all.
Keeping the memories and the feelings we all made together. There
will be other conventions in the future (not this year of course –
2020 the plague year) and there will be more chances to make that
magic.
Keep doing amazing things, even when they hurt a little too. It’s part of what makes us who we are.
And there it went. The first full week of the “new normal” is in the books.
Covid-19 is rampaging across the world
and killing thousands. Everyone is getting a little crazy about the
whole thing – with some justification. Something like this has not
occurred in our memory. There was the Spanish Flu back in the 1920s,
but there are no people alive who can relate to us how society was at
that time. We can read about it, but that’s all we’ve got.
We’ve also got a dramatically different
method of communication at our disposal. We know more about what’s
going on in the world around us at a faster speed than ever before.
Hopefully this will allow us to get ahead of this virus and stop
things from reaching Spanish Flu levels. Right now thousands are
dying and that’s bad. The other one? Yeah, that killed somewhere
between 20 and 50 MILLION people.
Million.
I would never attempt to diminish the
loss of a person, or collection of persons, but as a question of
scale we’re doing… as well as can be expected. Honestly, probably
better than can be expected. Yes, the virus has forced us to change
the way we conduct ourselves. No, we don’t know how long this is
going to last. Yes, after two solid weeks of news, media and home
grown “experts” yelling at us about coronavirus it seems like
it’s been here forever, but it hasn’t been that long. How long will
it be? No idea. Nobody knows. Lots of people are making predictions,
but until we get there we won’t have any idea.
I am fortunate to still be able to
work, at least right now. I have shifted to working from home and
connecting to everyone via my internet connection. My lovely wife has
been given the same opportunity and has a similar computer station
set up next to this one. We’ve been in the same house along with the
kiddo for a full week + and haven’t gone completely insane. In fact,
we all seem to quite like it. We’re much more relaxed. Work has a lot
of the same kind of stupid, but it’s muted by the overwhelming noise
of change. I’ve heard there are people out there not handling the
social isolation very well. I hope those folks take advantage of the
technology we have access to and stay as connected as they can
without actual physical presence.
So – big changes. Things we were told
would never be a thing have come to pass (particularly the sudden
‘realization’ that certain jobs CAN in fact be done remotely). Life
will be forever changed by this event. My daughter will have this as
a marked point in her life that she will remember long into her
adulthood much the same way I remember events like the shuttle
disaster that happened when I was in high school. No where close to
the same level of impact – but a bright and clear memory of that
time for me.
Forging ahead. I’ve gotten a bunch of
things done around the house. That’s the thing – when you can’t
leave, you have to make it a point to actually create and stick to a
schedule that works for your household. What am I trying to say?
Well, just this: I’ve been working essentially the same schedule as
before. Sure the commute is a hell of a lot better and the dress code
is pretty lax, but I’m still on schedule. It means that I’m spending
all that work time here on my home computer. So when I “get home
from work” I have even less desire to jump on here and keep working
than before.
I’m hoping to pick up some creativity soon –
but given the circumstances of the world, I’m not sure I’ll get
there. Maybe I’ll start cranking out the words. Dunno. Hopefully
you’ll keep coming back here to see.
It’s been a week since I posted
“historic context” and I haven’t written a single thing in that
time. I am not alone in that. This past week has seen an
extraordinary amount of change because of the world wide pandemic
that is COVID-19 (commonly called the coronavirus). I simply have not
had the wherewithal to just sit down and write. There is a staggering
amount of anxiety out there and it has leeched into us here. It is
hard to NOT panic when everyone else is in panic mode. The biggest
fear is the transmission rate and our lack of ability to stop it. We
don’t have any kind of vaccine to counter this and people have been
dying by the thousands over the past few weeks. It is true that most
of the deaths are not near us here in the middle of PA, but the
simple fact that within a stunningly short number of days there are
hundreds of people near us that have this virus makes that panic
suddenly sound more reasonable. Panic is not a reasonable response,
but it is understandable to be deeply shaken by the speed this hit us
with and our genuine lack of preparedness.
When this was ramping up I started to
make a list of meetings and events that had been called off because
of this virus. It seems almost quaint to look at that list from a
week ago. What has been canceled? Everything. The Governor of the
state issued an order for all non-life sustaining business to close.
All of them. There’s a sudden mad scramble to change how people can
work and discussions about the nature of that work (and in many cases
that people can’t work now and have been laid off or fired in vain
attempts to save a business). In a move that was previously declared
as “never going to happen” I have started to set up the ability
to work from home. This is admittedly a challenge because the very
nature of my work is collaborative. We shall see how it all works out
only after more time has passed.
If you’re reading this right now, I
have no doubt that you know most of what I have just written. It’s
not possible to avoid this news. Why am I writing it here? Historic
context. I didn’t remember small parts of what happened when America
was attacked on 9/11. If I had not written them down in one of my
sketchbooks at work I would have forgotten. There are other parts in
my book, but I posted the most relevant to what I am trying to get
across.
Businesses are closed. The government
has moved to bare essential personnel, schools are closed. Stores
have row upon row of empty shelves (see panic above). Anxiety rides
high. It has become more and more clear how unprepared we are for
anything that changes how we charge ahead in our day to day lives
unthinking of what can happen. Everyone is aware now. The change is
here and you can’t avoid it.
I think Douglas Adams put it best:
Tomorrow I start my first full day of working from home. So does my lovely wife. She and I will be sharing office space now. My daughter will be home from school all this week at a minimum. That might extend even longer, depending on the spread of the virus and how attempts to contain it work out.
Welcome to the new normal.
As things stand right now, I am still
filled with anxiety. There are massive numbers of unanswered
questions. Plans as far out as May are already canceled and plans for
July are being questioned. My daughter is supposed to be traveling to
France in August to begin a year of study in that country – and the
entire program is in doubt right now for the first time in 70 years.
I can’t comprehend the scope of this right now, but I wanted to write
this all down so that someday I will be able to look back at this and
remember some of the smaller details. I might even print this out –
just in case the electronic version is somehow unavailable. There’s
that panicky edge again…
