I had every intention of being very busy and productive over this past weekend. Some of what I planned on doing was being on here and getting more posts lined up. Clearly I failed at that. I was thinking about it and I genuinely believe it had everything to do with a level of addictive behavior from me.

I know there are folks out there that will think this is a pile of nonsense. I half agree honestly, but I want to put it out there because edging toward understanding is important.

I really think that I have addictive behavior and tendency when it comes to watching television. It’s a feeling I have. Don’t know how to explain it. I’m not generally an addictive personality but I AM a complete child of media. When you see those memes about GenX being that “lost” generation that were the first of the latch key kids? That’s me. Come home, let yourself in, lock the door and entertain yourself until we get home from work. It’s not good or bad – not trying to judge here, just giving context. It’s also when MTV started (among many other networks you may feel have “always” existed). I watched a lot of television, saw a lot of movies and this learned behavior has stuck with me ever since.

So what I’m saying is that, as stupid as it sounds, I really can’t break away from TV. I find myself floating back to it even when I *know* there’s not a damn thing worth watching. Then I get all depressed and disappointed when the stuff I watch is total shit. I know this probably sounds even sillier when you couple it with the facts that I was a Nielssen household member at one point AND I write a monthly piece for Watch The Skies called “You Should Be Watching” where I suggest fandom related content to go and check out.

This past weekend I estimate that I watched somewhere between 16 and 20 hours of TV. Maybe more. I lost track of all the stuff I streamed across YouTube. That’s way, way too much. I know this. I couldn’t help myself. I lost all productivity as I jumped from movies to football games to binge watching a cartoon series on Netflix (yes, both seasons of it). Football is really tough to sit through these days, but I did it. All four playoff games. Yes, some of it was likely to become history as very famous players end their careers, but it’s just a mess to watch. The ad time alone has stupid marketing stuff swirling in my head (OK – I’ll give the Tag Team ad props – it makes me laugh more than it should). I saw the new film “Outside the Wire” and it wasn’t bad… it wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad. I watched Bill and Ted Face the Music. I had really high hopes for it… and those really high hopes weren’t matched.

In the end I just came away sort of sad and numb with nothing to show for my time.

I am thankfully not addicted to other things in that way, but this is a small step toward understanding what folks struggling with addiction deal with. It’s not easy to deal with. It changes how I feel physically and emotionally. I’m going to work hard at shrugging this episode off and try to limit how much time I spend with the TV. Yes, I’m going to keep working the Should Be Watching stuff. No, I won’t take the TV out of the house (the only way I know to stop an addiction – take away the thing you’re addicted to and don’t have access). I am not the only person living here with a desire to be passively entertained from time to time… I just can’t let it be ALL the time. Thankfully this IS something that can be controlled.

IF you’re struggling with something, stick with the plan you have to be better. Keep working at staying away. There will be tough days, but don’t let those days beat you. Be strong.